This week, John Edwards gets Woodruff’d! Plus Denzel shows Mount Vernon some love and why I’m popping my collar for America.

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This week’s quiz: Which TV show might New Rochelle resident Laurence Fishburne be joining?

A. Law and Order SVU
B. Lost
C. CSI
D. I Wanna Work for Diddy While Having a Flavor of Love for New York Because Hogan Knows Best

Rapper DMX failed to appear in court yesterday in connection to an identity theft charge stemming from him allegedly faking his name at a health clinic in April.

A Phoenix judge has issued a warrant for his arrest and raised his bond to $25,000.

UPDATE:  MTV News is reporting DMX didn’t show up to his hearing because his lawyer said the rapper has checked into a Miami hospital for an undisclosed illness.

As you remember last time the rapper, who has a home in Westchester, was in court, he responded to reporters about the identity theft charges by rapping and plugging his album expected to hit stores on Oct. 14.

I feel bad for whomever got their identity stolen by DMX. That’s why he/she should have went to Freeeeeeeeeeeecreditreport.com

Hat tip to Suburbarazzi alumnus Ted Mann for the scoop.

(AP Photo/Tribune Entertainment)

Now that the Batman movies are blazing hot in Hollywood these days, speculation has been very heavy on Angelina Jolie landing the role of Catwoman if director Christopher Nolan decides to include the feline nemesis in the next Batman film.

Page Six reports that porn star Tera Patrick (whom I have no idea who she is because I am a good little Muslim boy) is encouraging Jolie to pursue the role. Apparently the two are really good friends.

UPDATE: I was doing a Google search for pictures of Tera Patrick to post on this blog, and let’s just say it was really awkward for me to explain what I was doing to one of my co-workers as she walked past my desk.

(AP Photo/ABC, Ida Mae Astute)

He may be 62 and already have five kids, but Donald Trump said he’s ready to father more apprentices.

The developer mogul, with property all over Westchester, said he and wife Melania Knauss are keen to have more children.

He told the World Entertainment News Network that “Stranger things have happened.”

Hmm, like more than 3 people watching his NBC show? I kid, I kid.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano) 

Alan Panettiere, father of former Palisades resident Hayden Panettiere, was arrested early today in Hollywood for allegedly beating his wife Lesley.

Save the marriage, save Hayden’s career?

Alan Panettiere “went Sylar” on his wife after getting into an argument with her at a party. TMZ said Alan had been heavily drinking.

According to E!, police said Hayden’s mom had bruises on her face that appeared she was hit with a closed fist.

Wow. Nobody deserves to go through this, especially Hayden and her mom.

(AP Photo)

Martha, Martha, Martha! The Bedford resident is quite the star on Suburbarazzi today.

Hat tip to the New York Times on this one. Apparently there will be a new show this fall called “Whatever, Martha!” that will make fun of her by dubbing clips of her old cooking and crafts show.

Martha has every reason to give a thumbs up to the show. After all, her daughter Alexis Stewart will be one of the hosts of the show. Better yet, Martha came up with the idea one night after watching an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, the cult show famous for comedically dubbing cheesy movies.

Martha Stewart + Mystery Science Theatre 3000 = Why I love being a human being.

The show will premiere on Sept. 16 on Martha Stewart’s Fine Living Network. That show is soooo getting TiVo’d.

(AP Photo/Ivan Sekretarev)

OK, I’ll fess up to this: I only saw the last few minutes of last night’s rerun of the premiere of “I Want to Work for Diddy,” the new Vh1 reality show in which contestants compete for the privilege of being Sean “Diddy” Combs’ personal assistant.

But even with eight minutes’ worth of data, I can conclude with some certainty that the former Mount Vernon resident doesn’t appear to be taking this employment opportunity seriously.

For starters, he wasn’t even on the three-person panel who determined last night’s eliminated contestant. I didn’t even recognize anyone on the panel. Heck, I don’t think Diddy recognized anyone on the panel.

Anony-panel was introduced to a contestant by the name of Kim, who lost the first arbitrary challenge—whatever inanity it was. Based on what was said, she not only did everything wrong but showcased an attitude problem to boot. She then picked another contestant, Georgette, to be subjected to elimination because Georgette was complaining about running around in high heels.

So here’s the rough translation of how that Diddy-less elimination process went down:

Panelist 1: Wow, Kim fouled up the challenge, threw everyone else under the bus and has a major attitude problem.
Panelist 2: But Georgette said her feet hurt.
Panelist 3: Later, Dr. Scholl’s.

Watch the final scene here.

As the credits rolled, the teaser for the next episode cited a quote that compared “I Want to Work for Diddy” to a show hosted by Westchester real estate maven Donald Trump: “It’s ‘The Apprentice’ but cooler,” raved somebody. Unless “cooler” means “more desperate” these days, I’m not buyin’ it.

Plus, I’m wary of any game show whose grand prize is labor.

Am I right about Kim or did Georgette deserve the boot? And what’s up with Diddy being too busy to show up for his own show? Even The Donald shows up to mail in that part. Leave your comments below.

(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

Martha Stewart today said on her blog that lightning yesterday struck two trees on her Bedford farm. She said in recent months her farm has been a frequent target for lightning.

The post is a Martha classic. I love when she says “I’m waiting to hear the assessment from my arborist.” That’s when you know you got money, when you can afford an arborist. Sure Jay-Z owns a bunch of businesses and part of an NBA sports team, but can he say that he has an arborist? Didn’t think so.

Blogs come a dime a dozen these days and its hard to find good ones worth reading regularly. But Martha’s blog is always entertaining.

(AP Photo/Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Anders Krusberg)

Did you guys see the smackdown ABC’s Bob Woodruff gave to John Edwards on Friday? Spectacular!

After months of speculation about whether or not he had an affair with a former staffer, Edwards confessed he did in an exclusive interview to Woodruff on Friday.

And Woodruff came with the punches. In case you missed it, ABC posted the entire interview here

Once again, Bob Woodruff makes his home of Rye proud. He’s tough as nails and proved once again why with questions like these to Johnny Boy:

“Your wife, Elizabeth, is probably the most admired and beloved person in this country, she’s had enormous sympathy because she’s also gone through cancer, how could you have done this?”

Sure we can get into a discussion about whether or not this Edwards affair is relevant in light of the other issues facing our country. But it sure makes for some entertaining television.

Besides, this is a celebrity gossip blog. This post comes from the same guy that posted news about Martha Stewart going to the DMV.

I officially make my Suburbarazzi TV debut and recap this week’s shenanigans with Diddy, Jon Voight and Brangelina. Be sure to bid on our drawings of Brangelina’s babies if you haven’t already!

Podcast file:

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This week’s quiz: According to the comic books this month, the X-Men are moving from their home in Westchester to San Francisco. Where in Westchester did the X-Men live?

A. North Salem
B. Croton-on-Hudson
C. Armonk
D. White Plains

After Mount Vernon schools announced extensive budget cuts to its after school programs this year, the city announced today actor Denzel Washington donated $100,000 to help the programs.

Aside from his terrific acting, one thing I really love about Denzel is he never forgets his Mount Vernon roots. He always manages to find time to stay active in Mount Vernon’s youth programs and is one of very few Hollywood celebrities that is immune to my Sword of Sarcasm.

(AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)

When we first proposed the idea of a blog devoted to celebrities in the suburbs, we got plenty of blank stares from our colleagues. The response was almost uniformly, “What, all two of them?”

Well, here we are almost two years later and our material has hardly dried up. Hopefully we’ve shown that star sightings in the lower Hudson Vally are are about as common as traffic jams on the Tappan Zee. And Suburbarazzi is just getting warmed up.

Unfortunately, I won’t be one of the few proud souls to carry on the celebrity stalking. I’ve accepted an offer with Gannett’s six New Jersey papers to help grow their websites and develop further digital content (including, yes, blogs). And while I’m incredibly excited about all that’s in store for me in the shiny suburbs to the south, I’m also very sad that I won’t be able to continue shepherding along Suburbarazzi. Along with the three Journal News magazines (InTown Westchester, Rockland Magazine, and Putnam Magazine), this blog has been one of my great passions while living in the Lower Hudson Valley.

Instead of belaboring that point with a bunch of sappy anecdotes, though, I’d like to use this space to provide the two remaining Suburbarazzos—Chris Serico, who has been with us almost since the beginning, and Aman Ali, who joined about a month ago—with some tips to guide them as they navigate the star-infested waters north of NYC.

Herewith, my 10 Commandments:

10. Thou Shalt Not Watch Rosie O’Donnell’s Vlogs. Trust me, they’re more bizzarly addictive than Carrot Top at the Luxor. Watch one on rosie.com and you’re bound to be hooked.

9.  Thou Shalt Not Come Off as Borderline Pervy While Posting About Hayden Panettiere. File this one under: Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

8.  Thou Shalt Not Make Rodent Jokes About Richard Gere’s Bedford Restaurant. After all, he named it Bedford Post, not Squirrely Acres. That said, post jokes are totally fair game.

7. Thou Shalt Not Challenge Kevin Dillon to a Game of Golf. Face it: You’ll lose. Instead, I suggest going head-to-head against Phil Reisman (of the “Mano a Mano with Spano” fame) in a round of minigolf.

6.  Thou Shalt Not Be Blinded by Karen DePodwin’s Smile While Filming the Weekly RNN Segment. Avert your eyes! Stay on topic! Keep it to 1:30!

5. Thou Shalt Make Friends with the Folks at the Pelham Picture House. Just whatever you do, next time Clooney is in town, don’t try blogging from your iPhone. It’ll annoy those around you. Besides, it’s just sad.

4. Thou Shalt Organize a Ultimate Fighting Challenge Cage Match Between Fred Norris and Nick Di Paolo. Why, I’m not entirely sure. But it came to me in a dream.

3.  Thou Shalt Call the Westchester DA the Moment DMX Turns Up in the County Again. With two arrest warrants in Yonkers and White Plains still outstanding, you’d have good reason to rat him out. Plus, the opportunitiy to see this man rapping on our local courthouse steps is simply too good to pass up.

2. Thou Shalt Continue Doodling in Microsoft Paint. Consider my offer of $5 worth of ground beef for any stick-figure illustrations of celebrity babies a standing one. Up it to $10 if we’re talking about twins again.

1. Thou Shalt Not Take the Baldwin Name in Vain. Leave that up to Stephen. He’s got you covered.

Good luck, Suburbarazzos.

And New Jersey celebrities, watch your back!