Suburbarazzi Week in Review on RNN: Paul Shaffer joins KISS Army, Bill Murray emcees Eric Clapton’s festival, and Homer Simpson slams Rosie O’Donnell

My apologies for mentioning Rosie O’Donnell YET AGAIN in my segment, but here’s why I made an exception: Anytime I have the opportunity to break out multiple “Simpsons” impressions on TV, I’m going to go for it. At the very least, you can mock me for it. Win/win.

After the break, find out the answer to this week’s quiz question: Joanne Woodward was first to earn a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. From what Lower Hudson Valley college did she graduate?

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Suburbarazzo finds LoHud stars all over Walk of Fame

Hey, ‘Burbies! Guess where I was for a long-weekend vacation?

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For those of you who guessed “Knoxville,” you clearly missed all those Reading is Fundamental public service announcements from the ’80s. Ah, yes. Tinseltown. Even in the warm California sun, Suburbarazzi was on my mind. I mean, how couldn’t it be? Strolling the Walk of Fame caused for moments of celebration and inspiration. Observe:

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Sarah Lawrence College alumna Barbara Walters inspires me to strike a pensive pose. What kind of tree would I be?

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I can’t really think of a good pose for former Bronxville resident Ed McMahon, so I do my best to look stately and interested. Or just feel inclined to punch my hip. “Yes!”

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Here I am next to the star of former Larchmont resident Joan Rivers. I’m pulling the skin back on my face. Botox, shmotox.

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Ivanka Trump to replace Rosie O’Donnell on ‘The View’?

AP/Damian Dovarganes

So if you’re Nyack resident Rosie O’Donnell, and you leave “The View,” what must it feel like to know that the daughter of one of your fiercest rivals might take your place on the show?

Yes, Ivanka Trump — daughter of The Donald — has been one of the names dropped for the coveted Rosie seat, according to Hollyscoop.com.

Admittedly, while Ivanka has appeared on “The View” before, the supposed reasoning behind this rumor seems a bit far-fetched. Hollyscoop reports that Sarah Lawrence College alumna Barbara Walters “wants to hire Trump to [tick] off the Hiltons for the treatment she received during the shopping of the Paris post-jail interview.” Indeed, it’s a shame that story didn’t receive more coverage.

Let’s pretend the rumor’s legit. And no matter whose side you’re on, let’s also forget the back story for a split second. I’ve always considered Ivanka Trump to be rather eloquent and surprisingly well-adjusted. She could be a darn good cohost.

I’m still rooting for Mario Cantone, however. That guy cracks me up.

TV crew works summer to fight losing battle against Tyler James Williams’ puberty

Warner Brothers

It’s hard enough going through puberty. Heck, people still tease me when my voice cracks. And I’m 28 years old.

Now imagine you’re Yonkers native Tyler James Williams, the 14-year-old star of “Everybody Hates Chris.” Picture what it feels like to know that everyone else’s summer vacation plans have been dashed because you have the nerve to experience puberty, the audacity to grow taller and the chutzpah to allow your voice to deepen.

At least Williams can make light of the situation during a break in taping, according to the Associated Press:

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I know … This is all my fault. All my fault.

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In fairness to the star of “Unaccompanied Minors,” his younger castmates are also barreling toward adulthood, so he’s not the only reason the crew is working around the clock.

Also, let’s be sure to give Williams credit for being mature beyond his years; when he encouraged Emmy viewers in 2005 to donate to charity in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, his was the most genuine appeal of the evening.

But don’t grow up too fast, J.T. It wasn’t long ago that another talented child actor, Lindsay Lohan, did just that.

Fugitive DMX to go on tour

DMXTo the Police of White Plains and/or Yonkers:

I know that you’ve had multiple arrest warrants out for rapper, Mount Kisco resident, and repeat traffic violator DMX since April 12. And I know how hard it can be to track down fugitives who routinely jet off to places like Arizona and South Carolina.

But here’s a tip: stop by B.B. King’s in NYC on July 21. DMX will be there as part of a 17-city tour to promote his new greatest hits CD, “The Definition Of X: Pick Of The Litter,” which will be released via Def Jam on June 12.

Here, I’ll even give you a Ticketmaster link. If you’re feeling really ambitious, you could even find him as soon as June 21, when he’ll kick off his tour in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Good luck,

Suburbarazzi

Support your neighbors … at the movies

Suburbarazzi’s (semi-) weekly look at which current films have connections to the Lower Hudson Valley:

• “The Ex” — Zach Braff is a 30-something slacker forced to take a job at a new age advertising agency when his pregnant wife (Amanda Peet) quits hers. There he encounters wheelchair-bound ad man Chip (Rye native Jason Bateman), who just happens to be infatuated with his wife and is making attempts to sabotage him. Much as I’ve been looking forward to this movie, which was originally titled “Fast Track” and supposed to come out in 2006 (see my previous post, “Fast Track takes the excruciatingly slow track”), the 32 score on Metacritic doesn’t bode well. But ah, forget that. It was filmed in Nyack and features Bateman: Reason enough to go see it.

• “Spider-Man 3” — In case you didn’t notice this post, or this one, or this one, the latest Spidey installment stars Bryce Dallas Howard, who once lived in Armonk and graduated from Byram Hills HS. Yes, she’s only on screen for about eight lines of dialog, but oh, that bleached blond hair is totally worth the price of admission. Metacritic score: 60

• “The Hoax” — Pound Ridge resident Richard Gere stars as Clifford Irving, the guy who somehow managed to sell a phony biography of Howard Hughes to publishers in the ’70s. Make sure to go see this one while its still in the theaters (and Gere is still safe from India’s hyper-prudish court system). Metacritic score: 70

• “The Namesake” — This film, about an Indian family’s assimilation into the United States, was shot in Eastchester (the main home used for the Gangulii family), Yonkers (the parents’ initial apartment in the U.S.), and Nyack (the library). And oddly, it’s the perfect complement to “The Hoax.” This film delves into many Indian cultural taboos, such as public displays of affection. Once you’ve seen Kal Penn’s character cringing as Jacinda Barrett kisses his on-screen parents, you’ll have some sense of why some people in India freaked out over Gere passionately smooching actress Shilpa Shetty. Metacritic score: 82

Does Donald Trump have a secret schoolyard crush on Rosie O’Donnell?

Think back to your early grade-school days, when some boys pulled the ponytails of girls they liked. (I’ve never believed in physical harm to win the attention of the opposite sex, but then again, I was also too busy playing with Transformers back then to be a ladies’ man.) Back in my childhood days, said boys would tease girls they found cute and maybe chase them around the playground with a worm dug up from the Greenvale Elementary School field in the secret hope they would find mutual attraction.

Could Donald Trump have been doing the verbal equivalent of worm-chasing Rosie O’Donnell these last six months?

Credible reports indicate that this billboard — implying a Trump marriage proposal to Nyack’s contributor to “The View” — was the work of a prankster, who painted over a sign promoting a Trump appearance at a real estate and wealth expo, but I’m not having it. I’m going to believe (OK, I’m going to pretend) that The Donald decided to reveal his true feelings through a random Toronto billboard.

If this were true, who knows what other recent rivals the Bedford property owner had a crush on? Bedford resident Martha Stewart? Sarah Lawrence College alumna Barbara Walters? Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban?

And weirder still, what if Rosie O’Donnell actually accepted this proposal and the two got hitched? My brain just exploded.

Thanks to Michelle Collins of BestWeekEver.tv for bringing this lovefest to my attention.

(Associated Press file photo by Dennis Cook)

Lindsay Lohan makes more than Hayden Panettiere? An outrage, I tell you!

It’s no big shock that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are pulling in close to $40 million a year, or that Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, gets $13 mil per pic. But there were a few surprises in Forbes Magazine’s list of “Young Hollywood’s Top Earning Stars.”

tyler2.jpgAmong them: Dakota Fanning was paid $4 mil last year — to star in, amongst other projects, the deeply disturbing-sounding “Hounddog,” in which the 13-year-old’s character gets raped. Yonkers’ Tyler James Williams (of “Everybody Hates Chris”) also made the list at #9 with $1.2 million. Oh, and 8-year-old Oscar nominee Abigail Breslin is already earning around $1.5 mil per year. What Alan Arkin would have to say about that?

Hayden PanettiereThe most surprising of all, though, is that Palisades native Hayden Panettiere came in at #6, with a whopping $2 million last year. Holy cow. I wouldn’t thought it would take at least another year for the “Heroes” dollars to finally start rolling in. That still places Hayden well behind #3, Lindsay Lohan ($6 mil last year), but if she keeps hanging around Paris, J.R., and Rumor Willis (Bruce and Demi’s offspring), she should be able to close that gap in no time.

“Young Hollywood’s Top Earning Stars” [Forbes] (click on the “In Pictures” box to get the rankings)

Unlike Anna Nicole Smith, Donald Trump won’t let Rosie O’Donnell feud die

Initially calling in to discuss the death of Anna Nicole Smith, Bedford property owner Donald Trump ripped into a small army of LoHud personalities and O.J. Simpson this morning on the radio show of Howard Stern (not to be confused with Howard K. Stern, Smith’s former attorney and alleged father to her newborn daughter).

Trump on attorney Howard K. Stern: “There’s something with that guy. I think he’s just bad news. … He’s a loser. He’s a loser. I think he’s some kind of a degenerate, in my opinion, and his whole life revolved around (Smith). And by the way, I give him zero (chance) that it’s his baby.”

Trump on Anna Nicole Smith: “I know a lot of beautiful models, and they’re saying, ‘Oh, she’s so dumb. She’s so dumb,’ and in the meantime, she (had) a shot at $500 million and they don’t. … How did she lose the weight, do you think? … I think she had the operation.”

Trump on Nyack resident Rosie O’Donnell: “I understand her; I don’t like her. She is not a smart person. She’s just a bully. … I think you have to be vicious when you’re dealing with a vicious person. … I got, I would say, 85 percent (of e-mails) in favor of the way (I handled the feud). And I had a lot of good friends of mine say, ‘Donald, why do you attack her?’ And I say, ‘Because I have to.’ Genetically, I have to. In other words, she made statements about me that were totally false, then corrected those statements. But you know what? She was more angry at anything that I gave Miss USA a second chance.”

Find out what Trump said about Barbara Walters, radio host Howard Stern and O.J. Simpson after the break.

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Jadakiss faces gun, drug charges

The Westchester County District Attorney’s office announced today that Yonkers rapper Jadakiss — born Jason Phillips — was charged with third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, a felony, and unlawful possession of marijuana, a violation.

In October, police reportedly smelled marijuana wafting from a 2006 Toyota Camry that contained Jadakiss and three other men, then recovered a “loaded, stolen .38-caliber hand gun from the vehicle.” Whoops.

Next scheduled to appear in Yonkers City Court on May 3, Jadakiss could face a maximum sentence of seven years in state prison if convicted of the gun charge.

Maybe Jada was tired of another Westchester-based rapper generating all the headlines. Either way, expect his album sales to skyrocket.

(Photo courtesy of the Westchester County District Attorney)

Getting schooled

Yonkers product Mary J. Blige — who celebrates her 37th birthday Thursday — and former Bedford resident Mariah Carey were among the celebrities on hand in South Africa last Tuesday for the opening of Oprah Winfrey’s $40 million leadership academy for girls, according to The Chicago Tribune. Also on hand: Tina Turner, Spike Lee, Sidney Poitier and Chris “I only make ‘Rush Hour’ sequels these days” Tucker.

“These people have the power to do things,” O said about her famous friends. “They have voices which can be heard in the U.S. and across the world.”

Just ask adult film star Mary Carey (née Mary E. Cook), who’s getting an earful from Mariah’s lawyers because the songstress isn’t comfortable with the similarities between the two names. Although a recent report that Mariah had won the suit was dismissed by TMZ, I wouldn’t mess with anyone who worked out in high heels and changed outfits about 358 times on her episode of “Cribs.” Derek Jeter taught me that.

If Mimi wins the suit, however, Suburbarazzi might want to secure lawyers to fend off legal action from Subway, Burberry and Razzles. Mmm… Razzles.

(AP photo by Denis Farrell.)

And you thought ‘Rocky Balboa’ was a family-friendly movie!

Maybe Adrien should be worried about the punches Rocky’s pulling outside the ring, because part of the Mount Kisco Theatre’s marquee read “ROCKY BALBOA NOW HIRING UNACCOMPANIED MINORS” yesterday.

Although R. Kelly is not on the “Rocky Balboa” soundtrack, this message should serve as enough warning to 15-year-old Tyler James Williams, a Yonkers native who stars in “Unaccompanied Minors.” Run, T.J.! Run!

Photo by Chris Serico. (Hooray!)