Arbitrarily predicting where I would place if I competed on 10 reality TV shows

In honor of Bedford dweller Donald Trump’s relaunch of “The Apprentice” this week, I present to you my predicted finishes if I appeared on 10 different reality TV shows.

For the sake of uniformity, let’s assume that there are 12 finalists for each of the following shows and that, for some bizarre reason, I actually made the top 12 for all of them.

“Survivor” – Last place. My inability to swim wouldn’t really help me on an island. Hopefully, I’d be resuscitated in the medivac chopper.

“The Bachelorette” – Last place. The whole “I have a girlfriend” thing could hurt my chances. On the show and otherwise.

“Project Runway” – Last place. I can’t sew a patch, but I’d enter the competition just to hear Tim Gunn describe my awful brown frock design as “faux bois” and walk away with some serious Sturm und Drang. There’s no one else I’d rather hear insult me.

Do I have a shot to finish with more than some “wonderful parting gifts” on any other reality show? Find out after the break.

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What Willis et al. have been talkin’ about

References to former Bronxville residents Ed McMahon and President John F. Kennedy, as well as a hand-gestur-ific quote from Bedford resident Donald Trump, are among TV Land’s 100 top television catchphrases, whose ranking will be revealed in five parts on the network starting Dec. 11.

McMahon’s “Heeeere’s Johnnyâ€? introduction to “The Tonight Showâ€? joins quotes both by and about Kennedy, including the prez’s own “Ask not what your country can do for you” speech and Lloyd Bentsen’s “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy” quip to master speller Dan Quayle.

The owner of the Trump National Golf Course in Briarcliff Manor and the greatest hyperboles in the tri-county area once uttered his Top-100 phrase “You’re fired� to Eastchester High School alumna Ereka Vetrini.

TV Land offers a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m disappointed that more lines uttered by regional residents missed the cut, including:

  • “From the home-office in Sioux City, Iowa….”– North Salem resident David Letterman.
  • “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.â€? – Bedford resident Chevy Chase.
  • “It’s a good thing.â€? – Bedford resident Martha Stewart.
  • “Homer, we’re out of vodka.” – Greenwich, Conn., resident Ron Howard to Homer Simpson on “The Simpsons.â€?