Rapper DMX was in court yesterday, for a whopping total of two minutes. After making the appearance, an Arizona judge ordered his case to be postponed to Oct. 7.

I was snooping around and found this statement the county sherrif there put out about the beloved rapper, who has a home in Bedford:

“I said it before and I’ll say it again, this guy is treating our legal system like a revolving door,” Maricopa County sherriff Joe Arpaio said. “This is an outrage. Is it because of his notoriety that he is continually released by the courts? It is about time the revolving door stop and the cell door close.”

Hey, I encourage DMX to continue his legal woes — it’s done wonders for my standup career.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

But Bedford resident DMX plead guilty in Miami last week to trying to buy cannabis and cocaine. He’s now being transferred to Arizona for his animal cruelty charges filed in May. No court date (that I know of) has been set for his identity theft charges from July.

Poor DMX, he’s getting passed around like a Christmas fruitcake.

(AP Photo)

The exchange is priceless, courtesy of CBS 4 News in south Florida:

“I ain’t going back to no f—-ing jail,” DMX said.

“Oh, well that just ingratiated you to me,” said Judge Lawrence Schwartz. “I’ve never heard the F-word before, so it’s OK.”

 Click here for the video

Only in America can someone like DMX get away with that. I wonder what DMX would have said back to the judge:

“Ingratiated? Whaaaaaaaaat! Who said anything about slicing parmesan cheese?”

If anybody understood that lame joke, I will be one happy brown kid.

(AP Photo/Diane Bondareff)

As the rapper with a home in Bedford sits in a Miami jail, DMX’s crew is working on a reality TV show called “DMX: This Life of Mine,” chronicling his half a dozen or so arrests in the past year.

Here’s what the X had to say:

“In many ways, my life has been an open book. [But] I haven’t always been the one writing the story. With this show; however, people will get to see and hear with their own eyes and ears what really goes on in my life and I think they’ll come to understand me a little bit better with each episode.”

If your show promises random barking and freestyle rapping sessions outside of courtrooms, consider me tuning in. Right now, no network has picked up the show. And as you know, DMX’s last reality show, “Soul of a Man,” was canned by BET in 2006.

(AP Photo/Diane Bondareff)

Now, Arizona officials are trying to extradite DMX to their state, but Florida doesn’t want to let him go until his Miami court date in October.

(cue the song “The Boy is Mine” by Brandy and Monica)

Oh man, how cool would it be if DMX “pulled a Samuel Israel” by faking his death and getting away on an electric scooter.

In order for you to get the maximum humor out of that joke, close your eyes and imagine DMX on an electric scooter.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

This begs the question: If the Yonkers-raised, Bedford-dwelling Ruff Ryder and the Central Nyack icon met behind bars, would the encounter more likely spawn a triple-platinum collaboration or rap’s best beef since 50 Cent and Ja Rule? Post your predictions below. Hypothetical (and clean) song titles are also welcome.

And while you’re at it, vote in the new poll in the right margin: Who’s the best rapper with ties to the Lower Hudson Valley? We’re starting you off with Diddy (Mount Vernon), DMX, Heavy D (Mount Vernon), Jadakiss (Yonkers), Jay-Z (Scarsdale), Lucky Me and Styles P (Yonkers). Feel free to add your own suggestions as long as they actually exist and at some point lived in the LoHud (Westchester, Putnam and Rockland counties).

(Photo of DMX: AP Photo/Louis Lanzano; Photo of Lucky Me: The Journal News/Vincent DiSalvio.)

A Phoenix judge has decided DMX will probably stay in jail until his next court date in October — the same month he said during his last court appearance that he’ll drop his next album. I can just imagine what’s going through his head right now:

We mentioned earlier this week that a Phoenix judge issued a warrant for DMX’s arrest after the rapper failed to appear for a court hearing.

(Correction: In a previous post, I had said DMX was in court for his identity theft case. Instead, he was supposed to be there for his drug possession case. My bad yo. It’s pretty easy to mix up these DMX cases when you have a gabajillion zillion of them to keep track of).

Anywho, instead of showing up to court in Phoenix, DMX was in Miami getting ready to go to a rehab facility.

Its amazing to me how DMX has been arrested so many times and never does serious times behind bars. His wrist has been slapped more times than Amy Winehouse in a back alley on a Tuesday night.

(AP Photo/Louis Lanzano)

A Phoenix judge has issued a warrant for his arrest and raised his bond to $25,000.

UPDATE:  MTV News is reporting DMX didn’t show up to his hearing because his lawyer said the rapper has checked into a Miami hospital for an undisclosed illness.

As you remember last time the rapper, who has a home in Westchester, was in court, he responded to reporters about the identity theft charges by rapping and plugging his album expected to hit stores on Oct. 14.

I feel bad for whomever got their identity stolen by DMX. That’s why he/she should have went to Freeeeeeeeeeeecreditreport.com

Hat tip to Suburbarazzi alumnus Ted Mann for the scoop.

(AP Photo/Tribune Entertainment)

Which gave me an idea. As you know, we here at Suburbarazzi are hawking EXCLUSIVE drawings of Brangelina’s twins and to help motivate you guys to bid, I’ve decided to recruit my charity celebrity friends. Ok fine, I don’t know any of these people, but I’m pretty awesome at using Microsoft Paint.

(Alan Sader: AP Photo)

(Sally Struthers: AP Photo/Lee Celano)

(DMX: AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

As we’ve talked about before on this blog, DMX was arrested earlier this month for identity theft — after giving a fake name at a Mayo health clinic to avoid paying a medical bill there.

Apparently during his hearing on Thursday, the Associated Press said DMX rapped for reporters outside of the courtroom and reminded them to get his album on Oct. 14.

“If and when you ever fall down, get back up … Stand for something or fall for everything. Wait for the right pitch, you’ll miss every swing,” DMX said.

If that’s the case, DMX has been striking out more times than Steve Urkel trying to bag a one-night-stand with Laura Winslow (Gasp! A “Family Matters” reference…. did I do that?). May Jaleel White and Kellie Shanygne Williams’ careers both rest in peace.

How awesome would it be if DMX’s trial was televised? I’m already fantasizing how his trial would go down:

“How does the defendant, Mr. Simmons plea?”

“Your honor, I plead, whaaaaaat! Arf arf! Oct. 14, nah mean?”

I guess when it comes to entertainment, “X Gon’ Give it to Ya.” This has got to be one of my favorite celebrity courtroom moments, right up there with Michael Jackson showing up to court in pajamas.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

This time, the rapper and Bedford homeowner was arrested in Phoenix this past weekend on a felony charge of identity theft, according to the Associated Press. It all started in April, when he used a fake name and Social Security number to avoid paying a $7,500 medical bill.

I bet O.J. Simpson is in his home thinking “Damn, and I thought I screwed up.”

Apparently DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, checked into the Mayo Clinic in April for pneumonia, using the fake name “Troy Jones.”

Troy Jones? Dude, DMX has sold millions of records. He would have had a better shot fooling someone with the name Turd Ferguson.

Police followed the case for months and arrested him Saturday once they had enough evidence. As DMX was carried away by police, he turned to the horde of TV cameras and said “Harassment.”

Classic. But seriously, how many times can he possibly get arrested? He’s been handcuffed more times than Eliot Spitzer on a business trip.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

Podcast file

Flash video

Also, this week was our final Suburbarazzi segement with RNN’s Stacy-Ann Gooden. I wanted to give her a big hug and throw together a Best of Stacy-Ann reel, but since her departure wasn’t quite official when we taped the piece, we couldn’t put any of that in there. But as my Chris so eloquently put it in his post yesterday, working with Stacy-Ann has been one of the great joys of our jobs for the last year. Every Tuesday afternoon was a little brighter because of her.

Plus, I’m happy to report, after a string of recent, uncharacteristic wrong answers, Stacy-Ann got her final Suburbarazzi quiz correct!

Can you get this multiple-choice question right, too?

Which Lower Hudson Valley celebrity told Fox News that they’d move to Canada if Barack Obama was elected president?

A. Rip Torn
B. Bonnie Fuller
C. Donald Trump
D. Stephen Baldwin

Answer after the break and at the end of the video clip.

Answer: D. Stephen Baldwin

According to a police report obtained by the Miami Herald, he asked the plainclothes po-po for ‘’30 powder and 15 weed,’’ or $30 worth of cocaine and $15 worth of marijuana. He then gave the officer $45 before being put in cuffs and hauled off to Miami-Dade County jail.

So, what is this, the 6th arrest in the last year for the Bedford/Mount Kisco homeowner? Or is it 7? Ahh, we stopped keeping count sometime inbetween Westchester arrest warrant No. 2 and Arizona arrest No. 3.

The biggest tragedy in all this, of course, is that BET stopped filming “Soul of a Man”—their reality TV show about DMX’s life—way back in 2006, long before things with him really started getting interesting. Just imagine what kind of killer footage they’d have this year if he was still in front of the camera.

“Rapper DMX Arrested on Drug Charges” [Miami Herald]

MORE: Suburbarazzi’s ongoing DMX coverage

Podcast file:

Flash video:

The quiz this week:

Chappaqua’s Vanessa Williams finally got her college diploma over the weekend … 25 years after she dropped out to become Miss America. Can you guess which school she graduated from?

A. Harvard
B. UCLA
C. Syracuse
D. Howard

Now, unlike Karen DePodwin, please don’t look this up on Google. That’s called cheating, friends.

Make an honest guess, then watch the video or click through to read the answer after the break.

Answer: C. Syracuse, where coincidentally, Rye’s Bob Woodruff also delivered the commencement address over the weekend (Williams gave the convocation speech).

You know, come to think of it, you could have also gotten the answer in an even simpler way: just scrolling down on our homepage. That, I’d like to clarify, is not cheating.

According to the Arizona Republic, he tried to barricade himself in his bedroom while the warrant was being served. Eventually he emerged, was hauled down to the Fourth Avenue Jail, and bond was posted at $7,500. Authorities also picked up more marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and weapons on the raid. DMX’s court appearance is scheduled for this Thursday—but, if his Westchester track record is any indication, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he skips town.

The thing that is so odd about the timing of the arrest is that police have known about the drugs and the weapons and the dead dogs for about a year now. The Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, told the Arizona Republic reporter that the case was delayed because of lab tests on the animals to confirm that they weren’t being properly cared for. “This was a tough case,” Arpaio said. “We were not in a rush; we put a lot of time on it, but you don’t rush into an investigation.”

Riiiight. You don’t want to “rush into an investigation.” Mmm hmm. The seven-month delay was all because authorities were waiting for lab tests? How ironic then that, out of the blue, a fella with the name Earl Simmons is arrested for speeding and suddenly the lab tests show up.

Mind you, whether or not the Arizona authorities lost track of the case and left DMX’s case file under a desk, at least they finally took action. That’s still a heckuva lot more organized than the law enforcement bodies in Westchester, which have been sitting on two outstanding bench warrants for over a year. Yes, a year.

Now, if DMX managed to get pulled over on I-684 while brandishing an Uzi, driving his Lincoln Navigator 220 mph, and transporting dead Komodo dragons across state lines—maybe, just maybe, that would get their attention.

“DMX held in animal cruelty inquiry” [AZ Republic]

Photos from the raid on DMX’s house last year, in which a dozen pit bulls were seized, the bodies of three dogs were dug up in the yard and a variety of assault-style weapons were taken from the home:

MORE: Suburbarazzi’s ongoing DMX coverage

(AP Photo/Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office)

His latest run-in with the law took place on Tuesday, when police took him into custody at his north Phoenix home on charges of criminal speeding, public endangerment, reckless driving and driving on a suspended license. Apparently the Arizona po-po uses remote cameras to speeders on the Loop 101 freeway in Scottsdale, and the nabbed DMX—also known to the law by his given name, Earl Simmons—driving at 100, 101 and 114 mph. In a Chevy Nova II, no less. Complete with “DMX” decal on the windshield.

Here, shots of the offending incidents, which were actually recorded back on January 21, 2008:

DMX driving 114 mph on January 21, 2008.

DMX going 100 mph on the same day. In a Chevy Nova!

Remember, DMX, who grew up in Yonkers and still owns a house on the Bedford/Mount Kisco border, also has two outstanding bench warrants in Westchester for prior moving violations (which he failed to show up in court for). And last April, police raided his Arizona house, finding abused pit bulls, a weapons cache and cocaine. The rapper hasn’t been charged with any crimes there, though.

“DMX arrested for speeding, reckless driving in Ariz” [Excite]

MORE: Suburbarazzi’s previous DMX coverage

(Mug shot and speeding camera stills: AP Photo/Arizona Department of Public Safety)

At the show in question, the rapper, who lives on the Mount Kisco-Bedford border, showed up an hour late. When he finally got on stage at 9:30 p.m., police were taking positions, getting ready to put the kibbutz on the whole thing. According to this account, officials sprayed mace into the crowd, only making the matter worse.

The best part, though, is that when DMX was interviewed by XXL Magazine and the topic of the presidential race came up, the rapper was inexplicably, outstandingly oblivious.

Q: Are you following the presidential race?
A: Not at all.

Q: You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
A: His name is Barack?!

Q: Barack Obama, yeah.
A: Barack?!

Q: Barack.
A: What the f—- is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

More from this watershed interview, including the line referenced in this post’s title and plenty of dashed-out expletives, after the break.

Q: Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
A: Barack Obama?

Q: Yeah.
A: What the f—-?! That ain’t no f—in’ name, yo. That ain’t that n—-’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f—- outta here.

Q: You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
A: I ain’t really paying much attention.

Q: I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
A: Wow, Barack! The n——’s name is Barack. Barack? N——named Barack Obama. What the f—-, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his f—in’ name. Ima tell this n—- when I see him, “Stop that bulls—-. Stop that bulls—-” [laughs] “That ain’t your f—-in’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

Q: So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
A: Nope.

Q: Is that why you’re not following it?
A: No, because it’s just – it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.

Q: But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
A: I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that s—- a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the f—in’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done f-ed this s—up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”

“Here I Am: Interview with DMX” [XXL]

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

Oh yeah, and what if the cast consisted of DMX, Michael Madsen, and Monica Cruz? Yep, straight to video. The film in question, “Last Hour,” appears to be trying to straddle the ultra-violent models created by “Saw” and “Kill Bill” (in a nod to the latter, it stars David Carradine, who was in “Kill Bill” with Madsen), yet from the YouTube trailer, it’s hard to make any sense of the plot at all—much less why Paul Sorvino would agree to star in dreck like this.

On the plus side, the kinetic energy (and love of firearms) of Westchester resident DMX jumps right off the screen. That said, it’ll be tough to top the last performance of him we saw—during a coked-up recording session for his new Gospel CD.

The DVD for “Last Hour” releases April 15, just one day before the anniversary of the Virginia Tech massacre, the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history.