DMX in court — for two minutes

Thank you, come again.

Rapper DMX was in court yesterday, for a whopping total of two minutes. After making the appearance, an Arizona judge ordered his case to be postponed to Oct. 7.tjndc5-5baufgih2m91bpt1e6bw_original.jpg

I was snooping around and found this statement the county sherrif there put out about the beloved rapper, who has a home in Bedford:

“I said it before and I’ll say it again, this guy is treating our legal system like a revolving door,” Maricopa County sherriff Joe Arpaio said. “This is an outrage. Is it because of his notoriety that he is continually released by the courts? It is about time the revolving door stop and the cell door close.”

Hey, I encourage DMX to continue his legal woes — it’s done wonders for my standup career.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

DMX pleads guilty in Miami drugs case

Sorry guys, we’re almost a week late on this because Chris and I were busy with very important things (i.e. Facebook chats trying to one-up each other on random movie references)._44968886_d25b3214-df99-4458-a027-a21f5502022e.jpg

But Bedford resident DMX plead guilty in Miami last week to trying to buy cannabis and cocaine. He’s now being transferred to Arizona for his animal cruelty charges filed in May. No court date (that I know of) has been set for his identity theft charges from July.

Poor DMX, he’s getting passed around like a Christmas fruitcake.

(AP Photo)

God bless America: DMX curses in court

I’ve never laughed so hard and felt so patriotic at the same time. Rapper DMX in court on Tuesday threw the F-word at a judge during a Miami court appearance.tjndc5-5b5df7fvkl413fsv3ezi_original.jpg

The exchange is priceless, courtesy of CBS 4 News in south Florida:

“I ain’t going back to no f—ing jail,” DMX said.

“Oh, well that just ingratiated you to me,” said Judge Lawrence Schwartz. “I’ve never heard the F-word before, so it’s OK.”

 Click here for the video

Only in America can someone like DMX get away with that. I wonder what DMX would have said back to the judge:

“Ingratiated? Whaaaaaaaaat! Who said anything about slicing parmesan cheese?”

If anybody understood that lame joke, I will be one happy brown kid.

(AP Photo/Diane Bondareff)

DMX working on another reality show

Thank you Lord, for answering my prayers!tjndc5-5b5df7fvkl413fsv3ezi_original.jpg

As the rapper with a home in Bedford sits in a Miami jail, DMX’s crew is working on a reality TV show called “DMX: This Life of Mine,” chronicling his half a dozen or so arrests in the past year.

Here’s what the X had to say:

“In many ways, my life has been an open book. [But] I haven’t always been the one writing the story. With this show; however, people will get to see and hear with their own eyes and ears what really goes on in my life and I think they’ll come to understand me a little bit better with each episode.”

If your show promises random barking and freestyle rapping sessions outside of courtrooms, consider me tuning in. Right now, no network has picked up the show. And as you know, DMX’s last reality show, “Soul of a Man,” was canned by BET in 2006.

(AP Photo/Diane Bondareff)

States Fight Over Who Prosecutes DMX First

This is classic. Since DMX is sitting in a Miami jail, he missed another court date in Arizona on Tuesday related to his animal cruelty case from way back.dmxhug.jpg

Now, Arizona officials are trying to extradite DMX to their state, but Florida doesn’t want to let him go until his Miami court date in October.

(cue the song “The Boy is Mine” by Brandy and Monica)

Oh man, how cool would it be if DMX “pulled a Samuel Israel” by faking his death and getting away on an electric scooter.

In order for you to get the maximum humor out of that joke, close your eyes and imagine DMX on an electric scooter.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

If DMX and Lucky Me met in jail, what would happen?

DMX is slated to remain in jail through his court date in October — the same month when fellow LoHud rapper Lucky Me is expected to be sentenced.

This begs the question: If the Yonkers-raised, Bedford-dwelling Ruff Ryder and the Central Nyack icon met behind bars, would the encounter more likely spawn a triple-platinum collaboration or rap’s best beef since 50 Cent and Ja Rule? Post your predictions below. Hypothetical (and clean) song titles are also welcome.


And while you’re at it, vote in the new poll in the right margin: Who’s the best rapper with ties to the Lower Hudson Valley? We’re starting you off with Diddy (Mount Vernon), DMX, Heavy D (Mount Vernon), Jadakiss (Yonkers), Jay-Z (Scarsdale), Lucky Me and Styles P (Yonkers). Feel free to add your own suggestions as long as they actually exist and at some point lived in the LoHud (Westchester, Putnam and Rockland counties).

(Photo of DMX: AP Photo/Louis Lanzano; Photo of Lucky Me: The Journal News/Vincent DiSalvio.)

DMX to Stay in Jail Until October

DMX, the rapper that lately has given me more standup material than good albums, will be in jail for a while after being arrested last week for failing to show up for a court hearing in Arizona.

A Phoenix judge has decided DMX will probably stay in jail until his next court date in October — the same month he said during his last court appearance that he’ll drop his next album. I can just imagine what’s going through his head right now:


Hay papi! DMX gets arrested in Miami (again)

DMX has officially become the Michael Phelps of celebrity arrests.


We mentioned earlier this week that a Phoenix judge issued a warrant for DMX’s arrest after the rapper failed to appear for a court hearing.

(Correction: In a previous post, I had said DMX was in court for his identity theft case. Instead, he was supposed to be there for his drug possession case. My bad yo. It’s pretty easy to mix up these DMX cases when you have a gabajillion zillion of them to keep track of).

Anywho, instead of showing up to court in Phoenix, DMX was in Miami getting ready to go to a rehab facility.

Its amazing to me how DMX has been arrested so many times and never does serious times behind bars. His wrist has been slapped more times than Amy Winehouse in a back alley on a Tuesday night.

(AP Photo/Louis Lanzano)

Whaaat! Arrest warrant issued for DMX

Rapper DMX failed to appear in court yesterday in connection to an identity theft charge stemming from him allegedly faking his name at a health clinic in April.tjndc5-5b1xw0oqsso138s5pgqo_original.jpg

A Phoenix judge has issued a warrant for his arrest and raised his bond to $25,000.

UPDATE:  MTV News is reporting DMX didn’t show up to his hearing because his lawyer said the rapper has checked into a Miami hospital for an undisclosed illness.

As you remember last time the rapper, who has a home in Westchester, was in court, he responded to reporters about the identity theft charges by rapping and plugging his album expected to hit stores on Oct. 14.

I feel bad for whomever got their identity stolen by DMX. That’s why he/she should have went to

Hat tip to Suburbarazzi alumnus Ted Mann for the scoop.

(AP Photo/Tribune Entertainment)

The Brangelina Drawing Saga Continues!

So I was reading an Associated Press article saying that former Sneden’s Landing resident Angelina Jolie is using the $14 million she got from her newborn baby pics to set up an international children’s fund.

Which gave me an idea. As you know, we here at Suburbarazzi are hawking EXCLUSIVE drawings of Brangelina’s twins and to help motivate you guys to bid, I’ve decided to recruit my charity celebrity friends. Ok fine, I don’t know any of these people, but I’m pretty awesome at using Microsoft Paint.




(Alan Sader: AP Photo)

(Sally Struthers: AP Photo/Lee Celano)

(DMX: AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

DMX freestyle raps during court hearing

I’m trying really hard not to giggle while I type this post.


As we’ve talked about before on this blog, DMX was arrested earlier this month for identity theft — after giving a fake name at a Mayo health clinic to avoid paying a medical bill there.

Apparently during his hearing on Thursday, the Associated Press said DMX rapped for reporters outside of the courtroom and reminded them to get his album on Oct. 14.

“If and when you ever fall down, get back up … Stand for something or fall for everything. Wait for the right pitch, you’ll miss every swing,” DMX said.

If that’s the case, DMX has been striking out more times than Steve Urkel trying to bag a one-night-stand with Laura Winslow (Gasp! A “Family Matters” reference…. did I do that?). May Jaleel White and Kellie Shanygne Williams’ careers both rest in peace.

How awesome would it be if DMX’s trial was televised? I’m already fantasizing how his trial would go down:

“How does the defendant, Mr. Simmons plea?”

“Your honor, I plead, whaaaaaat! Arf arf! Oct. 14, nah mean?”

I guess when it comes to entertainment, “X Gon’ Give it to Ya.” This has got to be one of my favorite celebrity courtroom moments, right up there with Michael Jackson showing up to court in pajamas.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

DMX Arrested for Identity Theft

Are you keeping score at home of the number of DMX arrests this year? If my math is correct, I think we’re at eleventy fafillion.


This time, the rapper and Bedford homeowner was arrested in Phoenix this past weekend on a felony charge of identity theft, according to the Associated Press. It all started in April, when he used a fake name and Social Security number to avoid paying a $7,500 medical bill.

I bet O.J. Simpson is in his home thinking “Damn, and I thought I screwed up.”

Apparently DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, checked into the Mayo Clinic in April for pneumonia, using the fake name “Troy Jones.”

Troy Jones? Dude, DMX has sold millions of records. He would have had a better shot fooling someone with the name Turd Ferguson.

Police followed the case for months and arrested him Saturday once they had enough evidence. As DMX was carried away by police, he turned to the horde of TV cameras and said “Harassment.”

Classic. But seriously, how many times can he possibly get arrested? He’s been handcuffed more times than Eliot Spitzer on a business trip.

(AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)