The 10 Commandments of Suburban Celebrity Stalking

When we first proposed the idea of a blog devoted to celebrities in the suburbs, we got plenty of blank stares from our colleagues. The response was almost uniformly, “What, all two of them?”

Well, here we are almost two years later and our material has hardly dried up. Hopefully we’ve shown that star sightings in the lower Hudson Vally are are about as common as traffic jams on the Tappan Zee. And Suburbarazzi is just getting warmed up.

Unfortunately, I won’t be one of the few proud souls to carry on the celebrity stalking. I’ve accepted an offer with Gannett’s six New Jersey papers to help grow their websites and develop further digital content (including, yes, blogs). And while I’m incredibly excited about all that’s in store for me in the shiny suburbs to the south, I’m also very sad that I won’t be able to continue shepherding along Suburbarazzi. Along with the three Journal News magazines (InTown Westchester, Rockland Magazine, and Putnam Magazine), this blog has been one of my great passions while living in the Lower Hudson Valley.

Instead of belaboring that point with a bunch of sappy anecdotes, though, I’d like to use this space to provide the two remaining Suburbarazzos — Chris Serico, who has been with us almost since the beginning, and Aman Ali, who joined about a month ago — with some tips to guide them as they navigate the star-infested waters north of NYC.

Herewith, my 10 Commandments:

10. Thou Shalt Not Watch Rosie O’Donnell’s Vlogs. Trust me, they’re more bizzarly addictive than Carrot Top at the Luxor. Watch one on and you’re bound to be hooked.

9.  Thou Shalt Not Come Off as Borderline Pervy While Posting About Hayden Panettiere. File this one under: Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

8.  Thou Shalt Not Make Rodent Jokes About Richard Gere’s Bedford Restaurant. After all, he named it Bedford Post, not Squirrely Acres. That said, post jokes are totally fair game.

7. Thou Shalt Not Challenge Kevin Dillon to a Game of Golf. Face it: You’ll lose. Instead, I suggest going head-to-head against Phil Reisman (of the “Mano a Mano with Spano” fame) in a round of minigolf.

6.  Thou Shalt Not Be Blinded by Karen DePodwin’s Smile While Filming the Weekly RNN Segment. Avert your eyes! Stay on topic! Keep it to 1:30!

5. Thou Shalt Make Friends with the Folks at the Pelham Picture House. Just whatever you do, next time Clooney is in town, don’t try blogging from your iPhone. It’ll annoy those around you. Besides, it’s just sad.

4. Thou Shalt Organize a Ultimate Fighting Challenge Cage Match Between Fred Norris and Nick Di Paolo. Why, I’m not entirely sure. But it came to me in a dream.

3.  Thou Shalt Call the Westchester DA the Moment DMX Turns Up in the County Again. With two arrest warrants in Yonkers and White Plains still outstanding, you’d have good reason to rat him out. Plus, the opportunitiy to see this man rapping on our local courthouse steps is simply too good to pass up.

2. Thou Shalt Continue Doodling in Microsoft Paint. Consider my offer of $5 worth of ground beef for any stick-figure illustrations of celebrity babies a standing one. Up it to $10 if we’re talking about twins again.

1. Thou Shalt Not Take the Baldwin Name in Vain. Leave that up to Stephen. He’s got you covered.

Good luck, Suburbarazzos.

And New Jersey celebrities, watch your back!

Ted Mann

Ted Mann aspires to join Stephen Baldwin’s Breakthrough Ministry, more commonly known as “skateboarding for the savior." Before becoming a Senior Editor at InTown, he worked at The Atlantic Monthly, the Philadelphia City Paper, and the University of Pennsylvania Press. His writing has also appeared in The New York Times, The New York Press, and The Pennsylvania Gazette.