Joan Rivers liveblogs the Emmys with the best of ’em

tjndc5-5b50uaz9h54y2t3s7p4_layout.jpgA lot of fine bloggers undertook the valiant task of liveblogging the Emmies (including Suburbarazzi’s own Chris Serico, over on our sister blog, Remote Access), but perhaps the most unexpected entry in the free-for-all was Larchmont native Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa.

Yes, in case you didn’t get the memo, Joan was stripped of her red carpet credentials in April (for shame, TV Guide Channel, for shame). But VH1, bless their “Surreal” souls, was quick to scoop up the dynamic Rivers duo … just so long as they make all their wisecracks in cyberspace, on the specially created blog, EmmysWithJoan.com.

All the better, I say, since it allowed Rivers to use those seven dirty words they don’t let you utter on most telecasts (or LoHud blogs). Even more surprising, the Rivers’ commentary was thoroughly entertaining. I fully expected to rank on their ranking on the starlets. But, well, they’re at least as good on the web as they were on E! or TV Guide Channel.

My favorite excerpts are after the break. But trust me, the whole blog (about 4 pages worth) is worth reading. Very, very funny stuff.

Funnier, that is, that about 95 percent of the bits on the actual show.

6:24: Chandra Wilson, Phyllis from The Office – so many fatsos… A Nice preview for next year’s Jenny Craig girls. Valerie Bertinelli, watch your back! Or are we watching America’s Next Top Hippopotomus?

6:30: They call her America because her ass in that dress is bigger than the continental United States. She looks like a blue state.

6:37:
Melissa
: Hey look, it’s Hayden Panettiere!
Joan: Is she pregnant?
Melissa: No, Mom, she just turned 18.
Joan: You can be pregnant and 18. Go below the Mason Dixon line.

7:20
Joan: Vanessa Williams looks like she ran into a leaf blower.
Melissa: Her dress is freshly plucked.

8:30 Alec Baldwin wore a white dinner jacket, post-Labor day! Wrong, wrong, wrong…. but I understand the jacket, he loves dinner! He told Melissa he couldn’t wear his black one, as Kim had cut it into little pieces and burnt it.

We learned more about Terry O’Quinn in the last 30 seconds than on how many seasons of Lost? Pink shirt, sparkly tie, and his wife.

9:53: I love the show tonight. I am making all my totally ill friends tune in so their lives will feel longer. What a way to kick off the Jewish New Year… the ratings will be even lower then the year 5764

10:51 Sally Field wins! All over America, women with osteoperosis are giving her a stooping ovation! You can bet that Edie Falco is regretting guzzling all that milk!

For those of you who are as bored as I am with this s**t, Gunfight at the OK Corral is on Turner Classic Movies. And it’s Gem Week on QVC! Not everybody likes Kanye West, but everybody likes lapis! And 31-7 Patriots.

(AP Photo/Laura Rauch)

Ted Mann

Ted Mann aspires to join Stephen Baldwin’s Breakthrough Ministry, more commonly known as “skateboarding for the savior." Before becoming a Senior Editor at InTown, he worked at The Atlantic Monthly, the Philadelphia City Paper, and the University of Pennsylvania Press. His writing has also appeared in The New York Times, The New York Press, and The Pennsylvania Gazette.