An Open Letter to Hayden Panettiere

January

Dear Hayden,

Can we speak frankly? Heck, you’re MySpace friends with Suburbarazzi, course we can.

You’ve got a lot going for you, girlfriend. “Heroes” is, like, totally kick ass, and that new song of yours, “Your New Girlfriend,” ain’t so bad either. You looked great at the Golden Globes (even though “Heroes” did get robbed in the best TV drama category!). Rockland misses you since you moved from Palisades to L.A., but it’s been thrilling to see your career taking off.

That’s why it’s been so painful to see you on the road to Lindsey Lohan and Mary Kate Olsen territory. And that’s why, speaking as your friend, it’s so important that you stop hanging out with Paris Hilton (not to mention pole dancing and smoking with her). It’s become painfully obvious that Mizz Hilton is running a boot camp for people destined to be on “The Surreal Life” or in jail for a DWI, and she’s interested in just one thing: turning you into what Steve Carrell dubbed a “ho, for show.”

In addition to avoiding Hilton, remember that Britney Spears isn’t a role model either. And stealing her post-Federline boyfriend, music producer J.R. Rotem, is no way to go making a name for yourself in Hollywood. Ok, check that—it’s a pretty damn good way to get attention. But in this scenario, you come off looking more like K.Fed 2.0’s arm-candy instead of the other way around. Never mind that you’re 17 and he’s 31. The man can produce your new album, but nothing more.

Finally, if you absolutely must partake in underage drinking, avoid boozing it up with gangs of frat boys holding buckets of beer and please spare us the “It was a birthday party” excuse.

So, to recap, no more Paris, less partying, and ixnay on the Britney. And please continue saving the world and being indestructible. And giving us a steady stream of blog material.

That is all.

(AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)

This entry was posted on Friday, January 19th, 2007 at 1:42 pm by Ted Mann.
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