Occasionally we like to recommend people to our friend, HastingÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s-bred Keith Olbermann, to include on his showÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Ã¢â‚¬Å“Worst Person in the WorldÃ¢â‚¬? segment. To wit, we offer the diva-tastic ramblings of Beyonce Knowles. Okay, granted, in the scheme of things Knowles is probably not the Ã¢â‚¬ËœWORSTÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ person in the world (at least not while there are still lawyers running around), but letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just say she doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t deserve any Ã¢â‚¬Ëœfriend-of-the-yearÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ awards anytime soon. She recently spoke to People Magazine and gave a quote that was so dazzlingly passive aggressive, so festered with bitter, diva resentment, that we all must pause for a moment and worship the Gods of Celebrity megalomania.
It’s been rumored that Knowles (and her father) have been angry about the final cut of Dreamgirls, the Christmas flick that is apparently the greatest musical to hit the screen since Ginger Rogers glided across the ballroom. The problem is Knowles, who’s nominally the “star,” is said to have been completely upstaged by American Idol castoff Jennifer Hudson (who makes her film debut as Effie White and reportedly blows the proverbial house down with her Oprah-lauded performance). But this was supposed to be Beyonce’s big acting triumph and Beyonce is angry that she’s not reaping all the praise and Oscar-buzz that Beyonce deserves. What’s an upstaged diva to do? Talk to People Magazine of course and set the record straight. She’s happy for her adorable co-star and has absolutely no resentment at all toward her. None. Couldn’t be further from the truth. She LOVES Jennifer Hudson. She would giver her a kidney. If she was a lesbian, she’d marry her. Why on Earth would anyone think that Ms. Beyonce Knowles has anything against Jennifer Hudson? What could possibly give people that impression?
“I mean,” said Knowles, “I wish I could’ve gained 20 pounds and played Effie.”
Right, if only Knowles was fat like Jennifer Hudson, who’s fat. But unfortunately Beyonce Knowles is not FAT. Life’s so unfair. But she’s happy for Jennifer HudsonÃ¢â‚¬â€who’s fat. Talented and fat.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to vomit a little in my mouth.