From Jordan with Love

We’re not normally in the business of hyping our own cyber-masthead, but you may have noticed the recent absences of our intrepid Suburbarazzi blogger, Robert Zeliger, who is overseas in Jordan on assignment.

Yes, that’s right, we’re taking Suburbarazzi international! Get ready for some Queen Raina gossip!

But until then, we have this email from Robert to keep us in suspense:

<blockquote><div><b>Subject:</b> Bush, the King, and me

Watch Bush’s press conference from Amman on Thursday. I’ll be there trying to ask a question and flirting with the reporter from CNN. I’ll also be at his arrival ceremony on Wednesday night. (Anyone have a question they want to ask Bush, the prime minister of Iraq, or the King of Jordan? Not like they’ll call on me, but…)</div></blockquote>

Slush Pile: What we would be blogging about this week if we weren’t stuffing our faces

• The police now say that the guy who shot the Clintons’ Chappaqua neighbors is a Hispanic male and driving a dark sedan, possibly a Toyota Camry. We’ve always said that Camrys are to wacko, gun-toting 21st century criminals what VW Beatles were to their parents. [Journal News]

• The latest Rosie feud: Rosie O’Donnell vs. Kelly Rippa. With Clay Aiken thrown into the mix for good measure. Apparently Clay covered Kelly’s mouth during an interview on her show, then Kelly bitched that “I don’t know where that hand has been,” and Rosie pounced, angrily complaining that Kelly was being homophobic. Never mind the fact that Clay isn’t technically out of the closet — or rather wasn’t, until now. [watch some video of the catfight at BestWeekEver’s blog]

• Remember that Stephen Baldwin movie that we said just started filming in East Tennessee? Yeah, looks like that ain’t happening after all. [News Sentinel]

• And speaking of Stevie B., what’s with the Baldwin mobile, covered with the man’s freaky visage and uber-creepy websites, popping up in Scarsdale? The truck, which Baldwin sometimes preaches from using a portable pulpit in the back (watch this YouTube clip of him in action), has been seen the past couple days in a driveway off Hartsdale Ave, near the White Plains border. So, Has Stephen moved over to Westchester to finally save our souls? Nothing could make us more thankful.

Baldwin Van

Like father, like “Hug Boy”

Turns out that Aaron Perez, the 10-year-old Putnam Valley kid who got in deep doo-doo for asking his teacher for a hug, isn’t the only member of the family who’s been suspended. Meet Papa Hug Boy.

Aaron and Samuel PerezAccording to a 2003 NY Times article the boy’s father, Samuel Perez, an NYC police officer, was accused of nine violations of police procedure, including lying to department investigators, and was suspended without pay. What’s more, the charges sprang from racially motivated hate crime and the allegation that Perez and his partner discouraged a black college student who was attacked from filing a police report.

Given the stain on his own career, it’s understandable why Perez (the bald fella standing behind Aaron in this photo) would feel so passionate about getting the suspension off his son’s permanent record. What isn’t clear is why the parents would be so quick to play the race card, especially given Samuel’s own past indifference to racial bias. Sounds like somebody needs a hug.


The smart money’s on Meredith

Meredith Vieira and Katie Couric

Those Q scores never lie. In case you’re not familiar, they’re the Market Evaluations numbers used to track celebrity popularity. And Katie Couric’s digits have been headed into Star Jones territory for last few years. Yet for some reason everyone (including the brain surgeons at CBS) thought she was still the morning news golden girl of yesteryear.

Well, it turns out that her leaving Today was the best thing that could have happened for the show. In the six month since her departure, ratings have steadily gone up — according to Media Life Magazine, it’s averaging 5.83 million total viewers, up 3 percent over last year’s 5.67 million. No doubt this is due mostly to her replacement, Irvington’s Meredith Vieira, who has a rock-solid Q score and chummy repertoire with co-host Matt Lauer.

Continue reading

And on the 7th day, the Lord said, “Let there be Pauly Shore”

A lot of things contributed to Stephen Baldwin’s mental breakdown — er, hardcore coming of faith. There was the Brazilian housekeeper who kept chanting spiritual hymns day and night, his wife Keenya becoming a devout Pentecostal parishioner at the New City Gospel Fellowship, and bitterness toward Johnny Knoxville for ripping off his idea for Jackass. But forget about all that. Turns out his spiritual awakening was actually the byproduct of starring in “Bio-Dome.”

Pauly Shore

Continue reading

Susan Sarandon, descendant of Welsh criminals

Susan SarandonThe Western Mail, some random Welsh newspaper, reports that Sarandon traveled over to the UK for a BBC show called “Coming Home,” where celebrities trace their family roots. After DNA swabs proved Sarandon’s Welsh-ness, a genealogist helped her follow her bloodline back to John and Charles Guyatt, two ancestors who worked in an iron factory. But that’s not all.

They were also illegal rabbit poachers!

Shame on you and your entire, extended, unknown family, Susan. From now on, we’re keeping our Bedford rabbits under lock and key.

“Studio 60” on stage

studio-60-1.jpgEver felt like those sketch-comedy segments you never see on “Studio 60” would actually be hilarious if acted out? Ever wanted to see “Science Shmience,” “Commedia Dell’Arte,” and “Crazy Christians” on stage? Yeah, neither do we.

Yet that’s not stopping Employee of the Month, an L.A. comedy group, from turning Scarsdale native Aaron Sorkin’s half-baked attempts at SNL-sounding skits into actual living, breathing performance art. “With the self-awareness of a Tom Stoppard play” — as the group puts it — they’ll be putting on this “sketch comedy show about a sketch comedy show in a drama about sketch comedy.”

Are you listening Jeff Zucker? Better option the rights and order a full season run before it’s too late.

Would somebody please save the friggin’ cheerleader already

Hayden Panettiere

We’re talking, of course, about tonight’s episode of “Heroes.” And why, pray tell, would we be delving into TV land when we’ve got Remote Access, another LoHud blog devoted to precisely that beat? Well, for one, the episode figures to be all about indestructible Texan schoolgirl Claire Bennet, played by Rockland’s own teenage Barbie and certified celebrity, Hayden Panettiere.

According to the NY Post, since her show has become NBC’s sole hit this year, Hayden moved the whole family from Palisades to West Hollywood. Dad Skip is a retired NYFD lieutenant, mom Lesley is her business manager, and her brother Jansen also acts. However, we couldn’t find any record of the family having actually sold their Palisades home, so it’s possible that the whole Panettiere crew will be returning for Thanksgiving break.

If you’re looking to see the cheerleader in the flesh this week, your best bet is her old hangout, the Palisades Center. Just please, spare her the “Save the cheerleader, save the world” line. That is, unless you can recite it like a constipated, chubby Japanese dude.

“Die Hard” [NY Post]

Stephen Baldwin actually gets hired again!

Stephen BaldwinEven more impressive: It wasn’t an evangelical minister that did the hiring. The News Sentinel in Knoxville reports that Stevie B., a resident of Upper Grandview, is starring alongside Dixie Carter in an independent film that started shooting last Tuesday. No word on what the movie will be about, other than it’ll be a family film with no R-rated scene, but there is a tantalizing title: “Painting Me In.”

Might this refer to Baldwin — who’s career reached an apex when he played Barney Rubble and has since devolved into preaching Pentecostalism to skateboarders — and how he has painted himself into a Gibson-like corner of Hollywood? Or could it be Carter, the poor “Designing Women” star who’s acting opposite him, that’s really being painted in? Either way, it’s a good fit.

“Hug Boy” Puppet Master Revealed

We found him. The evil genius who turned 10-year-old Aaron Perez from a sweet, young, Putnam Valley grade-schooler into a stark-raving, sexy-talking, hug addict.

WATCH THIS YOUTUBE CLIP at your own risk.

Like “The Ring,” it’s liable to drive you hug crazy. Just look at this poor copycat soul in South Korea, just itching to get suspended for overenthusiastic embraces. Though, on the flip side, if free hugs get you on Oprah, then maybe there is a future in it. Carry on, Aaron, carry on.


Putnam man shot in line for Sony Playstation 3!

Alright, so he was shot in Putnam, CT (not Putnam County, NY), but still. The weirdest thing of all was that he didn’t actually have the game console yet. Apparently the assailants, who unloaded a shotgun into the man’s chest outside a Wal-Mart, had just identified the line of shopprs because they were all carrying $500 to $600 each for a console.

This will inevitably become part of “Grand Theft Auto: PS3 City,” but please, video game programmers, remember to give us the option to steal the actual gaming consoles (not just the cash). Then players should be able to sell theirs on eBay for up to $5,000 — score! There’s a limit, though. Anyone who asks for $99,999,999, they automatically get a virtual cap popped in their ass.

A Mighty Heart, and Mightier Bodyguards

Angelina JolieIt’s one thing for Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards to go roughing up college students in Mumbai. Quite another for them to start manhandling parents on the way to pick up their children at the Muslim Anjuman-e-Islam school.

To add insult to injury, the head of the school’s PTA told the AP, “Jolie’s bodyguard called one parent, ‘You bloody Indian.'” We don’t care whether or not you grew up in Sneden’s Landing, Angelina, there’s no excuse for going all George Allen on us. You don’t hear Larchmont’s Dan Futterman or his bodyguards or anyone else in the cast of “A Mighty Heart” playing the race card (wait, Futterman doesn’t have bodyguards, does he?). Nor is it acceptable to hit an AP photographer and threaten him with a gun.

After Jolies’s three bodyguards were arrested by the Mumbai police, she defended them to People Mag, saying, “It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos.”

And ya know, she’s got a good point about the media. Those AP types always makes me want to beat us children and parents at school, call them names, and then go sell some baby pictures to People.

“Angelina Jolie speaks out about bodyguard arrests” [People]

“Scuffle at Jolie film shoot” [USA Today/AP]