Cancellation Watch: “3 Lbs.” Euthanized after 3 Episodes

Stanley TucciYes, after just three short weeks, Stanley Tucci’s new CBS neurosurgery drama has been declared braindead. It’s one of the fastest cancellations we’ve seen in a while; the only one we could think of that fizzled faster was Heather Graham’s “Emily’s Reasons Why Not,” which was yanked after the pilot.

Although “3 Lbs.” starred the top vote-getter in Suburbarazzi’s best baldie poll, even Tucci’s undisputed hotness couldn’t buoy such a formulaic, labotimized premise. According to Brilliant But Canceled, the show debuted to a pitiful 2.9 rating, then fell to 2.7 and 2.4 in subsequent weeks. It only came it at #3 in our Suburbarazzi cancellation watch (behind “Six Degrees” and “The Nine,” neither of which have been officially axed yet), yet the expert Deathwatchers had it at #4 in their poll, so I guess we weren’t far off. Way to go, team!

And Tucci, please know we’re still rooting for you (just not that infuriatingly likable Mark Feuerstein). So here’s something to cheer you up.

For next year’s Christmas show, perhaps Phil Rizzuto should sing ‘O, Holy Cow!’

In today’s Journal News, my colleague Peter Kramer wrote a really fun piece about Yankees broadcaster Suzyn Waldman and her starring role in the Westchester Broadway Theatre’s production of “Christmas Inn.”

Kramer mentions how the Elmsford show’s script was tailored for the former “Man of La Mancha” star, with her character Maxine musing that she “could have been spending Christmas with one of (her) boyfriends in the Bronx,” and pining for “those Stadium franks in the Bronx.” Subtle!

The show features Waldman singing traditional Christmas music, including “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” and “Silent Night.” But if Waldman’s lines are already tailored to reference her other job, why stop there?

My fellow Suburbarrazi Ted might regret mentioning my likelihood of writing song parodies, because let’s strike up the band to the tune of “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)”!

Yankees hoping that they aren’t fired
They lost, fueling Pinstripe woes
High-priced contracts prematurely expire
And folks wind up on the O’s

Everybody knows free agents and some help from Joe
Help to make next season bright
Those Red Sox, with their bank account blown
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

Continue reading

Update: Craigslist blackmailer also scamming the U.S. patent office

Our celebrity stalking cousins to the south, Gawker, have a great beat on Jessica Wolcott, the 22-year-old who extorted a Fortune 500 exec in Westchester (more on all that below, in a post from yesterday). Apparently, in addition to roping in middle-aged horndogs on Craigslist, she was also seeking a $30k loan from a p-to-p lending site called Prosper. Though her loan request, dated March 27, has since been taken down, Gawker still managed to grab a bit about her “patent idea” (by which we can only assume she means, patent leather CEO gimp mask) and pictures from her profile.

We can’t copy ’em here, but take a look and help us settle a debate: Is her look more Atlantic City whore or Russian mail order bride?

Need more evidence that Stephen Baldwin is out of his mind?

BaldwinWe present this YouTube clip of the Upper Grand View resident storming Orlando spreading the word of God with this radical extreme sports ministry “Living It.”

It’s deeply, deeply troubling stuff. And also weirdly sinus cleansing.

Clear four minutes out of your schedule and watch it. Otherwise, we may just have to send the Breakthrough Ministry van over to your house and subject you to Stevie’s spittley sermons first hand.

How to extort a PepsiCo Exec on CraigsList

One of the many things we’ve learned from our sister blog, Single in the Suburbs, is that there’s no shortage of ubercreepy grown men in our area. And apparently, when they’re not posting incoherent, grammatically-challenged comments or watching dominatrixes poop they’re out trolling for semiwhorey girls on Craigslist. Meet Pepsi Bottling Group Executive Vice President Gary Wandschneider.

Of course, there’s a downside to contacting tawdry 22-year-olds like Jessica Wolcott — they like to threaten to expose you to your wife and blackmail you for $125,000. According to The Post, Wolcott emailed the Westchester exec (using a phony email), saying “After all these years of being married, this is how you repay your vows?” Later she added that he was “just another hated Peter Cook,” referring to supermodel Christie Brinkley’s cheating hubby.

The Craigslist Lolita (photo HERE) and the dirty birdy exec (photo HERE) apparently met after a month of exchanging e-mails and photos, rendezvousing at a Mount Kisco bar. He was kind enough to give her $30k to repay some debts, but when she started requesting six-figure sums, Wandeschneider called in the feds. Wolcott finally pleaded guilty to extortion in White Plains court, but not before The Smoking Gun posted the embarrassing court docs for all to see.

As part of her plea, Wolcott lost her shakedown payments and an Apple laptop computer, but apparently she got to keep the Saab convertible she bought. See kids, crime does pay (sorta) and Coke really is the more wholesome beverage.

UK rivals Putnam Valley in the War on Hugs

Aaron PerezSure, Putnam Valley Middle School’s suspension of would-be hugger Aaron Perez shows a firm commitment to ending that abominable practice of student-teacher embraces. But it turns out that the UK is taking an even harder line. According to this article in the Sun, a British headmaster has one-upped Putnam Valley Schools Superintendent Gary Tutty by banning hugging altogether.

Hugging was happening extensively and becoming the norm,” explained hug tsar Steven Kenning of Callington Community College in Cornwall. “We were worried it might become inappropriate. So we nipped it in the bud.” The Sun article goes on to say that Kenning has also suspended a student for streaking his hair, which, while morally reprehensible, would only warrant a strenuous lanyard whipping in our book.

(via Blogging Baby)


Meet Our Newest Suburbarazzi

Chris SericoOur twisted little world of suburban celebrity stalkers grew a little yesterday. The fellow in the accompanying photo is Chris Serico, who, wasting no time, has already made his first contribution. We’re confident that in no time at all you’ll be whiling away large chunks of your web-surfing day reading his pithy prose and deification of cheeseburgers.

We found out about Chris though his endlessly entertaining blog, Varsity Basketweaving — one of the few places online where you can find commentary on R-rated puppets, Reading Rainbow, and brand logo quizzes. VB is so entertaining, in fact, that it profiled in the New York Times.

As for our man’s other credentials, he’s a journalist for The Patent Trader and performs a cappella, voice-overs, and improv in NYC. So if he can’t ferret out the truth about our local celebs, we’ll always have musical parodies as a back-up.

Eli visits Iona Prep

Those of us who had the good fortune to spend Thanksgiving in Jersey were treated to a dose of Tony Soprano’s favorite morning paper, the Star Ledger. While the reading experience was largely forgettable, one sports headline stood out: “Dear Eli: There’s No Easy Way to Say This. You’ve Been Kind of Stinky lately. So We Think it’s Time You Went Back to School.”

We’d almost forgotten about it until today, when one of our Suburbarazzi tipsters, Susie Arth, emailed to say, “Eli Manning will be at Westchester Country Club tomorrow evening addressing the Iona Prep football team.”

(The event costs $40 to get into and will be at 6:30pm at the Westchester Country Club, 99 Biltmore Ave, Rye. See more details HERE.)

Though we won’t be able to attend, if any of your Iona linebackers happen to be reading this, please explain one thing to Peyton’s woebegone bro: by “school,” the headline writer obviously meant college, not high school. Duh.


What Willis et al. have been talkin’ about

References to former Bronxville residents Ed McMahon and President John F. Kennedy, as well as a hand-gestur-ific quote from Bedford resident Donald Trump, are among TV Land’s 100 top television catchphrases, whose ranking will be revealed in five parts on the network starting Dec. 11.

McMahon’s “Heeeere’s Johnnyâ€? introduction to “The Tonight Showâ€? joins quotes both by and about Kennedy, including the prez’s own “Ask not what your country can do for you” speech and Lloyd Bentsen’s “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy” quip to master speller Dan Quayle.

The owner of the Trump National Golf Course in Briarcliff Manor and the greatest hyperboles in the tri-county area once uttered his Top-100 phrase “You’re fired� to Eastchester High School alumna Ereka Vetrini.

TV Land offers a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m disappointed that more lines uttered by regional residents missed the cut, including:

  • “From the home-office in Sioux City, Iowa….”– North Salem resident David Letterman.
  • “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.â€? – Bedford resident Chevy Chase.
  • “It’s a good thing.â€? – Bedford resident Martha Stewart.
  • “Homer, we’re out of vodka.” – Greenwich, Conn., resident Ron Howard to Homer Simpson on “The Simpsons.â€?

Rosie’s blog wins Blogspotter’s inaugural Celeblog Invitational (aka the Cyber Special Olympics)

Rosie O'Donnell We’re not here to bash Rosie O’Donnell’s blog (“r blog” to the faithful), nor do we take pleasure in mocking such poetic missives as “a family i had / just not the one i wanted / with 2 parents / tablecloths and tupperware.”

But still, we can’t just sit by silently while the Spokesman Review points to said blog as America’s Next Top Blogging Celebrity. I mean, we dig the South Nyack nincompoop’s ramblings as much as anyone, but do they really have more merit than Pat Sajak’s thoughts on Sajak Says or Britney Spears’ Stream of Consciousness? (To say nothing of Zach Braff’s rarely updated blog, which at least gives you a preview of the soundtrack for his next installment in the “Garden State” saga)

Our feelings over this injustice — picking Ro’s blog over such other fine candidates — can best be summed up with some more of her pithy, cryptic, quizzical words:

<blockquote><div>”to my horror and amazement
click proof

she stayed for twenty minutes
inter-species communication
silent and real
my girl”</div></blockquote>

Clay, Kelly, and Ro invent new sign language for homophobia

It’s hard to believe that the Clay-vs-Kelly-vs-Rosie feud has a longer shelf life than my Thanksgiving turkey, but, lo and behold, there’s more news to report:

• In case you missed the whole controversy — over whether Kelly was being germophobic or homophobic or Commerce Bankophobic when she bitched about Clay Aiken covering her mouth on air — you can watch a tidy recap of last week’s on-air events courtesy of this Gawker YouTube video.

• A Kelly Ripa fan site (which also doubles as a litmus test for the mentally unstable) posted a YouTube video of good ol’ Reeg sticking his filthy digits all over Kelly’s face, and her repaying the favor. Now, I’ve seen Regis slopplily eating hotdogs at Costco in Port Chester and can tell you this much: If you don’t like where Clay’s hands have been, Philbin’s mustard covered digits aren’t any better.

• While South Nyack’s Rosie O’D has since been forced by Barbara Walters to shut the hell up about Kelly and stop accusing her of being homophobic (Babs declared the feud “over” to People), Aiken went on the offensive, grabbing Tori Spelling’s boobages at the AMA awards. Which would have been an effective message … if the AMAs weren’t so overly gay.

Clay Aiken

Suburb-arazzi Challenge: Name that Howard!

Ron and Ryan HowardQuick, who is Ron Howard?

A. The Hollywood film director who helmed The Da Vinci Code, A Beautiful Mind, and Cinderella Man, and lives in Greenwich, CT

B. The Phillies slugger who just won the National League MVP

Guessed A? Congratulations, you’re now smarter than Philadelphia Mayor John Street, who managed to have several successive brain farts while complementing the wrong man at a ceremony honoring RYAN, not Ron, Howard.

“Mayor Sticks Foot in Mouth at Ryan Howard Day” [NBC10]